“Our family has some long-standing, unspoken tensions between siblings. How do we ensure the inheritance process doesn’t become the spark that ignites a major family feud over perceived slights or old scores?”

The family’s (or parents’) anxiety circles around the division of assets and the potential fracturing of family bonds, the dredging up of old wounds, and the painful realisation that material wealth can, paradoxically, lead to a higher level of emotional poverty. It’s a question that speaks to the heart of a family’s legacy – will it be one of unity and shared purpose, or one of discord and lingering resentment?

A common initial response from advisors, and an understandable one, is to emphasise the critical importance of clear legal documents: “A clearly drafted will (or trust instrument) and an independent executor (or trustee) should manage the distribution objectively and keep things professional. Focus on clear legal documents.” This advice is, without doubt, a crucial first step. A well-structured will (or trust), created with the guidance of experienced legal counsel, provides the necessary framework for asset distribution. These elements are the bedrock of any sound estate plan. They offer a degree of financial scaffolding, ensuring that the “what” and “how” behind the asset transfer are legally robust.

However, for families navigating the complex currents of multi-generational wealth, particularly where pre-existing, unspoken tensions simmer beneath the surface, this initial step often opens the door to deeper considerations. While legal documents can dictate the distribution of tangible assets, they rarely address the intangible – the emotional inheritance, the history of relationships, the differing perceptions of fairness, and the deeply personal meanings attached to heirlooms or even specific financial assets. Adding the family business to the mix often complicates the whole process exponentially. For the sake of brevity, I will leave the family business aside for another post later. To build upon this foundational legal advice, it’s valuable to explore the often-unseen dynamics that can transform an inheritance into a battleground.

The Emotional Undercurrents of Inheritance

The distribution of an estate is far more than a mere financial transaction; it is a profoundly emotional event, often acting as a flashpoint for unresolved family issues. If the event is sudden and family members are caught dealing with other complexities it has brought about, the headspace may be severely limited to deal with issues rationally. 

Research consistently shows that inheritance disputes are often not primarily about greed, but about perceived slights, old scores, and the deeply human need for recognition, fairness, and love.

Family systems theory provides a powerful lens through which to understand these dynamics. It suggests that families are complex, interconnected systems where the actions and emotions of one member inevitably affect all others. Systems always balance themselves – the issue is, though, when the balance is one of unintended consequences. Inheritance conflicts can be seen as outcomes of these interconnected processes, where blurred boundaries and resistance to change predict dispute patterns. Long-standing issues, such as ambiguous family roles and early socialisation, can foster patterns like sibling rivalry and role confusion, all of which can come to a head during the emotionally charged (and vulnerable) period of estate distribution. These sibling rivalries can become so entrenched that the survival of the family business is called into question, if only to make a point.

Consider the concept of emotional inheritance. Siblings don’t just inherit assets; they inherit a shared history, complete with its joys, sorrows, rivalries, and alliances. The inheritance process can become the final stage in which these long-simmering dynamics are played out. An item of seemingly little monetary value can become a potent symbol of past favouritism or neglect. A decision about the family business, even if financially sound, can be interpreted through the lens of old grievances. As noted in the research, conflict over inheritance often reflects a history of conflict and feelings of unfair treatment within the family, becoming a last chance to right old wrongs or achieve balance for past perceived unfairness (emotional or financial).

The Elusive Nature of “Fairness”

The common advice to draft a clear will often presume that “equal” equates to “fair.” While grantors often choose an equal division of assets in the hope of maintaining harmony, this approach can, counterintuitively, ignite conflict. This is because “fairness” is not an objective, universally agreed-upon concept; it is a subjective scale, unique to each family and, indeed, to each individual within that family.

Research highlights that disagreements over the rules of fairness are likely to lead to conflict. Different individuals may subscribe to different rules of fairness – some may believe fairness is based on need, others on contribution (equity), others on strict equality, and some may even operate from a competitive standpoint. When siblings hold different, unarticulated beliefs about what constitutes a fair distribution, even a meticulously equal division in the will can feel profoundly unfair to one or more parties. For instance, a sibling who provided years of care for an ageing parent might perceive an equal distribution as overlooking their significant non-financial contribution. Another might feel that past financial support given to one sibling should be accounted for. Similarly, favouritism can also wreak havoc.

This is where a focus on “fair process” or “procedural justice” becomes invaluable. It’s not just about what is decided, but how it is decided and communicated. Ensuring that all voices are heard, that the rationale behind decisions is transparently shared, and that there are agreed-upon mechanisms for discussion and dispute resolution can significantly mitigate feelings of unfairness, even if the ultimate outcome isn’t perfectly aligned with every individual’s ideal.

Proactive Strategies Beyond Legal Formalities

So, how can families with long-standing tensions proactively navigate this challenging terrain? The key lies in expanding the conversation beyond the purely legal and financial to embrace the emotional and relational complexities.

  1. Prioritise Open Communication and Transparency – Before and During: This is perhaps the most critical, yet often the most avoided, step. The reluctance of families to discuss inheritance arrangements is a significant contributor to conflict. Where possible, grantors should consider openly communicating their intentions and the reasoning behind their decisions with their children. This isn’t about seeking approval, but about managing expectations and reducing the likelihood of shock or misinterpretation later. Often, it is best to have these discussions “in plenum” and not as a set of individual discussions. In some constellations, this may be more difficult, but it allows for clear and uniform communication. A clear outline of the process (what is the executor’s or trustee’s role) is also important.
  2. Acknowledge and Gently Address Family History: Ignoring the elephant in the room – the pre-existing tensions – is rarely a successful strategy. Inheritance often activates old competitive sibling dynamics and childhood rivalries. While the goal isn’t necessarily to resolve decades of complex history, acknowledging that these dynamics exist and may influence perceptions is crucial. This is where understanding the family system can be enlightening. Exploring, perhaps with professional guidance, the origins of past rivalries, potentially rooted in parental favouritism, selective altruism, or the inability of parents to manage emotions, can provide context and foster a degree of empathy.
  3. Define “Fairness” Collaboratively: Instead of assuming a universal definition of fairness, families can benefit from discussing what fairness means to each member in the context of the inheritance. This doesn’t mean that all desires can be met, but the act of articulating and listening to different perspectives can be powerful. There is no right or wrong answer, and the act of listening without judgment is a form of acceptance and allows the other party to grow. It is also a way of truly seeing the other person. Assessing the meaning of fairness for each sibling is important. A perceived lack of emotional fairness (e.g., not being a favourite) might require financial compensation to achieve balance (financial fairness) in some siblings’ eyes. The goal is to move towards a shared understanding, not perfect agreement.
  4. Plan Specifically for Sentimental Items: Often, the most bitter disputes erupt not over significant financial assets, but over items of sentimental value. Personal property is a frequent source of conflict, as objects hold different symbolic meanings, representing importance, love, security, or self-esteem. Wills frequently offer ambiguous or generalised instructions regarding these items. Trusts are often the wrong tool to cater for chattel. Proactive planning, such as creating a personal property memorandum or facilitating a family discussion about these items before they become part of the formal estate distribution, can preempt significant heartache. Another way may be the art of “Swedish Death Cleaning”, by giving away memorabilia at an earlier and happier circumstance, thereby not loading or attaching emotions of loss to an object.
  5. Develop Conflict Management Skills and Consider Professional Support: If there are pre-existing tensions, it’s realistic to anticipate that disagreements may arise. Investing time in developing family conflict resolution skills or agreeing on a process for managing disputes can be invaluable. Family Governance is a major building block in setting the stage for open and grounded communications. An early recognition and confrontation of issues, striving for consensus, and potentially having pre-established agreements on handling key issues, is a good step in the right direction. I have just said that we should strive for a consensus. This is not strictly true or necessary. We need to disagree. Disagreements can arise from relationships, tasks or processes, agency issues, values, resource allocation, power and authority, boundaries, identity, communication or an interaction of these types. What you want to avoid – or settle – is the type of conflict that attacks the self (especially relationship and identity conflicts). In situations with significant underlying tension, the involvement of a neutral third-party professional, such as a family mediator, a family therapist specialising in wealth dynamics, or a specialised family advisor, can be transformative. Outsiders can bring neutrality into the discussion and facilitate difficult conversations, and help to disentangle emotional issues, guiding the family through a more constructive process. They can help the family think about and test new ways of working together.

Building an Enduring Legacy

The journey of inheritance in a family with unspoken tensions is undoubtedly complex. It requires courage to look beyond the legal documents and engage with the emotional realities that shape family life. While a clearly drafted will or trust instrument and an independent executor or trustee provide an essential starting point, they are but a part of a much larger equation. In addition, the trustee’s role may inadvertently also prolong conflicts through their activity by perpetuating misunderstandings, disagreements or perceived insults or acts of unfairness by ill-drafted trust instruments, which are binding to the trustee, and often are only slightly adjusted from a template provided.

By acknowledging the emotional weight of inheritance, fostering open communication, addressing historical dynamics with sensitivity, and collaboratively defining fairness, families can transform a potentially divisive event into an opportunity for deeper understanding and, ultimately, a strengthening of their legacy. This holistic approach, which integrates the legal and financial with the emotional and relational, offers the most promising path to navigating these sensitive waters without (re-)igniting the feuds. It is an investment not just in the responsible transfer of wealth, but in the enduring health and harmony of the family itself.